Lord of the Rainforest (1999)
I've done it! I've not only found a Tarzan movie no one
has ever heard of, but I've found the worst Tarzan movie ever made! It
is so astonishing, it's almost beyond comprehension. First of all, it is
an animated film. Well, not exactly animated. More like like a bad Flash
animation like you might find on the web. No, really, it looks like a Flash
This is the plot. A plane crashes in Africa. Momma
is killed, baby survives. Female ape finds baby, raises baby, baby becomes
boy. Boy finds mysterious treehouse, finds knife. Boy grows up, people
come up river, boy meets people. Stuff happens.
Okay, every animal in this film talks. Even the
caterpillars have smily faces. When the humans arrive, you want to kill
them all. Well the girl is okay when she isn't screeching because of the
abominable soundtrack of this "film". Her father is this pseudo-homosexual
professor with a neon pink ascot and one of the most annoying voices in
cartoon history. The bad guy is essentially this British guy that shoots
basically anything that steps in front of his gun. His gun is rather inexplicably
a blunderbuss, a gun from the 1600's. I assume this takes place in the
1960's since the plane "Tarzan" crashed in was some kind of 1940's looking
airplane. So why is everyone dressed like the 1890's? Why do I care? I
mean, this movie is narrated by a duck. You heard me right. A duck.
By the way, Tarzan is never called Tarzan. His
ape mother named him Lord for some reason. He is the son of Lord Greystoke,
yet they never call him Tarzan. And Jane is named Linda for some reason.
It says on the back of the DVD: "For children of
all ages to enjoy!" Really. If the soundtrack was better, and I could actually
hear what they were saying all the time, it might even be a worse film.
This movie collapses in on itself.
This film gets a Black Hole.